


la la lost you

by flowerpeddler



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Graduate School, Hurt/Comfort, Medical School, Swearing, i want bingsoo now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:54:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23292814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerpeddler/pseuds/flowerpeddler
Summary: all my demons have your smile, and you'll always have me. [kuroo tetsurou x reader]
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 111





	la la lost you

To your credit, you are a patient person. 

Perhaps that could be the reason why you spent your years in Sapporo alone, your hands shaky from the frosty winds of western Hokkaido. The gloves your mother had sent you earlier this winter do nothing to appease the snow that paralyze your hands. The winters here are nothing like the ones back in Tokyo, especially without the warmth of a certain former volleyball player's hands.

Apparently, even four years isn't enough to ward away thoughts of the coy smile that had plagued your entire high school career. How long has it been since you had seen him? And yet all you can think about is his smile, his hair, _him._

You close your eyes, ridding away the thoughts of your past and swallow harshly to maintain your focus on your phone, practically frozen onto your hand by now.

"Aww! Hani, I miss you, too," you breathe out, the vibrations of your voice uneven.

"You can't cancel this flight again!" your youngest sibling, still only in high school, threatens. "Mom said she would kill you if you didn't come home for break!"

You resist the urge to roll your eyes. "Sheesh, talk about terrifying! But I have clinicals this year, Hani. I don't get that much time off in the summer, so I really don't know why you guys insisted on buying a plane ticket for me."

"Dad said you'd probably complain about train rides taking too long and cutting time in your break, and flights are _really_ cheap right now, so we just have to take advantage of that!" Hani cheers. You can hear mumbling and shuffling from the other end of your phone, which is slowly starting to run out of battery.

"They're cheap because you're buying them so far in advance," you point out, a small smile making its way onto your blue lips. "Summer is still months away, and you need to studying instead of buying plane tickets."

There's more shuffling. "Hello?"

"Yes, Sei?" you greet your younger brother, who presumably has stolen the phone from Hani, considering her wails in the background. "You know better than to take the phone from her without asking!"

You hear him laugh, jolly and loud like your father. "Eh, she'll manage. Still! She's right! I know college is hard, but I'm in college too! And since I'm such a good son, I actually make time to visit my family during breaks," he flaunts.

You know he means well, but the way he says it brings a pang of guilt to your heart. It's not like you actively choose to stay in the north for most of the year, but your professors and doctors haven't really given you many opportunities for you to actually leave. With all the clinicals, labs, and classes you had on your plate, it's impressive that you can even make time to call them for this long. Medical school hardly left you enough time for your daily activities, let alone time for your loved ones.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll come home," you promise. 

"Yeah, you better!" Sei exclaims, but the last word hardly lingers on the phone.

"We'll see you soon!" Hani cries suddenly, and you can only assume that the two twerps are fighting for dominance over the phone to say any last words to you.

You open your mouth to respond, but the line clicks, indicating that one of them has hung up on you- whether if it had been intentional or not. Shaking your head slightly at the antics of your siblings, you head back into your apartment, which is significantly warmer inside. As you make your way to the kitchen, you circle the date Hani had told you earlier. It's a day after your last lab, thankfully, but you'd only have two weeks until your first clinical. Always one to uphold your vows, you open the text your mom had sent you concerning the flight details and make note of the necessary schedule.

As you step foot into your bedroom, the scarf coiled around your neck is flung onto your chair, and your coat and gloves follow suit. Almost weakened from the call, you fall onto the mattress with a plop, a hand reaching up to your head to push the stray strands of hair from your face.

A summer back home, huh? The summers in Tokyo were nothing like those here in Hokkaido; they were humid, hot, sticky... and smelt of a man you _thought_ you had split away from.

Kuroo Tetsurou- the two of you had dated for a few months in your senior year, but he's still a memory that continues to lurk in the corners of your mind.

You had been the one to let him go and lose him, but it's clear that his image refuses to leave you, grasping onto your soul with all of its might. You had never deserved to date him, anyways, considering that you'd have to focus on your career instead of giving him the attention he deserves.

You're positive he hasn't been home since he's always been busy with research. It's been that way for as long as you can remember since he had always put education as a priority, right next to volleyball. Since high school, he's had the dream of becoming an aspiring chemistry professor, and you're sure he'd be busy applying to graduate schools. You wonder how he's doing and if he's met anyone new yet, but a small part of you hopes he hasn't.

If the gods are on your side, maybe you won't run into him in the few days you'd be home. Not like he'd remember you, anyways. You rid your head of the thoughts and slink from your bed to take a bath before sleep. The water is warm, inviting, but it doesn't liberate you from the clutches of his grasp that have clung onto you.

Christmas and New Year's pass by in a flash; like you had promised your family, you call them during the holidays to show your face on a static-y and slow video call that, frankly, makes you feel left out from the festivities taking place in your cozy house. The home is infested with relatives- some you miss, and some that annoy you. Nevertheless, it hurts to see life pass you by when you're stuck in Hokkaido with a bottle of cheap wine and lazy roommates.

By the time the new school year starts, you've nearly forgotten about the demon that haunts your thoughts and dreams at night. You ace your first clinical, hardly even thinking about the sneaky grins he'd once given you. For the first time since you dumped him, your mind is clear and set on the path of determination to complete medical school; all is well.

All is well, until you step back into the sticky Tokyo air, reminiscent of every memory you've made since your childhood. The loudest ones are from high school, when you managed Nekoma's volleyball team, and it invokes a taste so bittersweet that clings onto your tongue like burnt sugar.

For the first two days you're back home, you have high hopes for your prediction of not seeing _him._

It's only when an old friend reaches out to you again and invites you out to shaved ice. You agree immediately.

It's unlike Yakkun to be late to plans; usually, he's the first person there and makes it to the place at least ten minutes earlier than you are. It's enough to make you wonder if you read the location wrong, but upon closer inspection, you realize you're at the correct location. On second thought, maybe he's gotten into an accident, and you're texting the man at lightning speed.

Just as you send him the text, you look up from your phone to see a blonde-haired male with a slight frown on his face. "Did I keep you waiting too long?" he asks, the evening sun highlighting the shine in his hair.

Your eyes widen in relief. "Yakkun! I really thought you had gone and kicked the bucket for sure! I mean, I don't think I've ever seen you this last for anything."

He lets out a sigh and rubs at the back of his head as the two of you head inside the cafe. "I wasn't planning on being so late. Got caught up in some plans before. If I had known, I would have sent you a message," he replies, handing you a menu as the two of you stand in line to order the shaved ice. "Wanna pick the flavor?"

Those words are like music to your ears. "Oh, do I ever! The matcha and strawberry mix!" you point excitedly to the colorful image. "It's even got condensed milk on the top," you explain.

"I see your appetite hasn't changed much from when we were in high school," he says nonchalantly, putting the menu back in the holder and giving you a small smile, a twinkle in his eye.

"Wha- how rude!"

"Is it?" he ponders, and you smack his arm lightly. "Alright, alright. As an apology, this one's on me."

It brings a smile to your face, but you can't ignore the way your heart twists. You wonder if you'd be any better shape had you started liking Yaku instead of Tetsurou in high school. He's the kind of guy you _wish_ you liked, but it seemed like your heart had other plans during your time at Nekoma.

When the buzzer starts flailing on your table, the man is kind enough to go and grab the dessert for you, and lord, he really is a good man. The shaved ice is refreshing and sweet, like your interaction with him has been so far. It banishes the sweltering heat that Tokyo brings to you, and you welcome it with open arms.

"I have to ask, though," you begin, voice muffled from the spoon in your mouth.

"If you have to, do it when you aren't stuffing your face like that," he suggests, rolling his eyes slightly. "What is it? You don't like the flavor?"

You shake your head vigorously, pulling the spoon from your lips. "No! I love it," you reassure him. "Just wondering what kind of plans held you back for almost ten whole minutes. Pretty unusual for you, I think."

He looks a little hesitant, and you can't help but peer at him suspiciously. "...Yakkun? What were you doing?"

"I was meeting with some of the old teammates," he starts slowly, watching for your reaction. His eyes are cautious, like that of an injured animal. His statement only makes your heart drop to your stomach, and shiver runs up your spine, though you're almost certain it's not from the shaved ice. "And I invited them to join us."

"You couldn't have mentioned this sooner?!" you sputter out, the spoon in your hand falling to the table with a clank. "W-who did you-"

Someone sits down next to you and scoots you over. With a quick look, you see familiar, dark brown eyes. For a brief moment, you have a heart attack when you realize who exactly have joined you at the booth. "You're going to invite us out to dessert but eat it all already?" Kenma mutters, eyeing the melting dessert. On the opposite side, the man who has been pervading your thoughts slides in next to Yakkun, and you note that he's a little too quiet than usual.

"Oh, it was all (Name)," the short-haired friend explains, but your eyes are glued onto Tetsurou, who steals a spoon to scoop out a strawberry that you had been saving for your next bite. 

He looks killer.

His hairstyle has pretty much remained the same, still ridden with a charming mess and still somehow incredibly soft looking. He looks taller than before but not as lanky, with clearly defined arms- if that's even possible. His facial features have sharpened out and become more chiseled, and you have to admit he looks _so good_ even in a plain, loose, black shirt. There's dark circles printed on the flesh under his eyes, but somehow, it suits him.

Normally, you'd have something to quip at him, but your mouth runs dry at the sight of the familiar men. "Uh... yeah, sorry," you mutter. "I didn't know you'd be joining us, otherwise I would have left some more..."

"If that's the case, I can go buy some more," Kenma offers, already standing up. You have to shoot him a glare since he would never willingly go up to a cashier unless if it's at a video game store. He ignores your blatant glare and just rolls his eyes at you.

To your horror, Yakkun is also standing up, despite sending him a knowing look. You know that he's heard of your break-up with Tetsurou, but you had no idea he'd be so sadistic to watch you crash and burn in front of your ex-boyfriend. As a response to your begging gaze, he stares you down with The Look. It's enough to cause a wave of shudders to vibrate your entire body, and you can't imagine how it must have been to be on the receiving end of that stare every day during Nekoma's practices.

As the two level-headed men leave to go to the counter, you force your gaze onto the shaved ice, honing in on the puddle of melted cream in the bowl. Absentmindedly, you scrape the edges of the dessert so that some ice flakes would float on the liquid. 

Tetsurou says your name with a whisper, his voice so husky and familiar. It reminds you of hot chocolate on a cold winter's night, but in the harsh Tokyo heat, it burns you with the intensity of the sun. "So, it's good to see you again." He clears his throat, and you can feel the burn of his gaze on your hair. For a brief moment, you want to hide under your baby hairs, but you don't want to admit defeat.

"Yeah, you too. I didn't know everyone would be back home. Especially you," you finally admit. It's one thing seeing your old friend back home in the short time you were back, but it's another thing seeing your ex. "You aren't busy with school and such?"

"Dad made me finish the majority of my applications before summer, so I decided to come back home," he mumbles in a way that is so unlike him. "I would have told you if you stay-" he cuts himself off. "What 'bout you? You a doctor yet?"

You would know if you stayed? You aren't sure how to feel about it, but you know he's right.

"Um, no!" you laugh nervously, but it sounds weak and quiet. "Still got a few more years for my medical degree... I've got some more work to do when I go back to school." You fish out the last strawberry and eat it before he can steal it away.

"I remember you saying you'd fix me up if I ever got hurt back in high school," he points out, but you feel like there's zero to little purpose of reminiscing on the past. "Well, I'll be sure to find you if I mess up a knee or something,"

The spoon in your head drags through the fully melted puddle of cream. "I think the point is to prevent something like that from even happening in the first place," you hum, making the mistake of finally looking up. The moment you look at the familiar brown eyes of his is the moment it's all over for you.

You're home.

"So, what I'm hearing is that I should stop by for regular check-ups, right?" he jokes, flashing you the smile that had captured the attention of countless girls back then- yours included.

You snort. "Practicing without a license is illegal, Tetsu..." his name flies out of your mouth without much thought. "-rou-san." Nice save.

He arches an eyebrow, and the intensity of his gaze is too much to bear. You're sure that Yakkun and Kenma would be done ordering, and you shift your gaze to the line- wait. Where did they go? You voice your thoughts out loud to the man, who turns in his seat to look back at the counter.

"Huh," is all he comments.

You look down at your phone, and you see a single message from Yakkun.

"Sorry, (Name)! It had to be done! Good luck, and I hope you enjoyed dessert! Let's meet up again soon." You read the message three times, and Tetsurou probably thinks you look like an idiot by the way you gape at your phone screen. Oh, he was so dead when you got your hands on him.

"Looks like Kenma already went home... Nasty kid," Tetsurou mutters, putting his phone on the table. Your hands feel clammy, and it's hard to swallow.

You're already packing your things into your bag, too nervous to stay in his intoxicating presence any longer. "Shame. I'd better head out then. It's already dark." You let out a sigh, reaching for the tray.

He beats you to it and lifts it up before you can even touch it. "Hey, I'll walk you home." You follow him to the counter, where the teenage girl there blatantly checks him out before taking back the tray.

"A-ah, that's alright. You should get going before your dad starts to worry," you point out, adjusting your bag on your shoulder. "It's kind of a walk, anyways."

He gives you a disapproving stare. "Like you said, it's late, and if it's a longer walk, I feel like that's worse. I'd hate if something happened to you," he explains as the two of you head outside the shaved ice parlor. "Really, it's okay-"

"Don't worry about it," you tell him, taking a step back. "It was good seeing you," you say softly, and every part of you is honest. Before he can answer, you head in the direction of your house. Being around him was too much, regardless if you haven't seen him in years.

Your throat closes up at the thought. You can't believe you're still a victim to your heart even after all these years. Is it really too much to ask? You want to finally liberate yourself from the chains he still has on you- fuck, _you_ were the one to break up with him, so why did you still think about him? Pain claws at you with every step on the way home.

You want to pray so that your thoughts are free of him. If there is any way of atonement besides seeing him again, you know you'd repent in that method for dumping him without so much of an explanation. You want to forget, but something tells you that remembering him is your punishment.

"Pretty lady. C'mere for a sec, will ya?" you can hear the gruff, sleazy slur of a drunken man behind you. The grasp on your purse tightens, and you will yourself to walk faster. Your heart is thumping inside your chest at a frightening pace, and it only grows quicker when he calls out to you again.

"Aw, c'mon. Don't ignore me, baby," a hand clamps down on your shoulder and spins you around.

The man before you is a few years older than you are, the stench of alcohol and tobacco clinging to his clothes. For a second, he appears to be a business man, but you note that his suit looks worn and even a little dirty. His breath is heavier than the smothering air, but your veins feel glacial, stunned with fear.

"I-I have a boyfriend," you stutter out, trying to push his hands off of you, but he latches onto you like a magnet. His touch leaves rotten pricks along your skin.

"Mmm, don't say that. He won't know-"

"Excuse me." His hands are ripped off of you, and a tall figure steps in front of you protectively. A strange, indescribable feeling leaps into your throat as you watch Tetsurou loom over the drunkard, one of his hands grasping onto yours as a source of comfort. "Leave my girlfriend alone."

It's enough to spiral your reality with sentimentalism. Even in high school, he had always tried to protect you from creeps, and the view of his back as well as the feeling of his hand in yours is so nostalgic. It tastes like melancholy, knowing you had given it up years ago. He had always been so good to you, and you press your lips together to prevent the whine that threatened to escape your lips.

The man scoffs but holds his hands up in defeat. "Sheesh, what's your problem?" he mutters, stalking off in the opposite direction.

The air is quiet, apart from the chats of occasional pedestrians, the sounds of cars, and the singing of the cicadas that have even made their way into the city. Tetsurou is still gripping onto your hand, and the fear that had overwhelmed you earlier is replaced with gratefulness.

"...Thank you," you mumble out, squeezing his hand.

He turns to you, the deep scowl on his face morphing into a look of concern and dismay. "I told you I'd walk you home. Don't be so stubborn," he advises, releasing your hand to place it on the top of your head. "You could have gotten hurt."

This time, you agree wholeheartedly, despite your heart's screams to reject his offer again. "Y-you're right," you concede, sighing. "I'm sorry, Tetsu."

He pauses for a moment before a soft smile emerges on his lips. "You called me Tetsu," he realizes, nudging you to start walking. "No 'Tetsurou-san'?"

You wrap your arms around yourself and hasten your pace. "Please be quiet..." you're acting ungrateful towards someone who has saved you, but if he continues to just speak like this, you aren't sure you can handle more of him tonight.

"Nope."

"And why is that?" you turn to him to look at him, and he's staring at you with such intensity that it makes you feel like he's a predator who just caught his prey.

He offers you a charming smile that sends your heart in a frenzy even after four years. All of this feels so familiar to you, and you want more. "I have some things on my mind that I need to say to you," he clarifies. You close your eyes and sigh for the thousandth time that night. "Please?"

The emotion is so raw in that one word, and it's enough to break down the remainder of your walls. "Okay. But just until we reach my house."

"Tell me why you broke up with me."

"Going straight for the money, I see," you observe, watching the way the cars pass by you two. "I mean, Tetsu, we were in high school. I didn't get into University of Tokyo like you did, and I wasn't going to start a long distance relationship when I'm in fucking Hokkaido. Not to mention, if you go there, I'm sure your peers might expect you to date someone from University of Tokyo, too." Your laugh is dry.

"You could have transferred. I mean, I spent the entire summer after senior year wondering what I did wrong for you to dump me." He sounds so hurt, and it makes your legs feel like jelly. You can't bring yourself to continue walking towards your house.

You shake your head, trying to push the emotion bubbling in your throat down. "You of all people should know how important it is for recommendation letters. I mean, by the time I was even eligible to transfer, I already secured a guaranteed spot for labs and then clinicals..."

"I was willing to try the distance," he says, frustrated. "I mean, I lo-" he stops himself again.

"You what? Tell me," you practically demand, finally looking at him.

"I loved you," he says softly. "Then I lost you."

You bite your lip, not knowing what to say. The emotions inside you are battling for dominance. Part of you wants him to hold you in his arms, but another part insists on staying away.

He licks his lips. "I get it. Career first. Still- do you know I tried dating around after I lost you? How many girls I dated? Just to forget about you? It never even worked," he whispers hoarsely, eyes piercing straight through you.

So he _had_ tried to find someone new. It makes your chest tighten, but you know you're not in any place to speak, considering the number of hearts you had broken after him. The only source of comfort is knowing that he clearly never managed to get serious with another girl after you. It's a strange feeling, knowing you're pouring out what your heart had been containing for the past few years to him.

"I just wanted you to forget about me- live happily because I was so sure we weren't going to make it. That kind of commitment... I mean, look at how many of our _friends_ tried to do long-distance and inevitably broke up. I didn't want us to be like that," you argued, feeling tears pool at the corners of your eyes. "I didn't want you to _resent_ me for taking away your youth and keep you from the college experience you deserve."

At the time of your senior year, there was nothing better than spending time with your bed-headed boyfriend, whether it was cleaning up the gym by yourselves at night, the nights you spent studying for biology exams, or the dates you tried out new or exciting restaurants. You were so happy with him, but you'd be a fool to see the reality of your relationship through rose-colored glasses. No matter how you looked at it, it wouldn't have survived the mere brutality of university.

He looks so good in the streetlights, especially with the way he looks at you now- like you're the only that matters.

"You deserve to date other people," you say honestly, the tears streaming down your cheeks now. "You meant so much to me, but you know... a part of me knew I wasn't for you. When you date someone, you marry them or break-up, and you deserve a wife who will stay at home to take care of you and your kids, someone who will cook you a warm meal every night, and someone who doesn't complain when you spend too long at the lab. I can't be enough for a good man like you, Tetsu."

Tetsurou shakes his head and yanks you into his arms. "Don't be an idiot." He's shaking, you note. "You're the only one I wanted. The only one... I still want even now. You're worth trying for, and I still want to try the distance."

His embrace is so warm, so comforting, so _him._ He still uses the same cologne from senior year, and even though he's a little taller now, it assuages your worries to know he hasn't even changed.

"Do you really mean that?" it's almost too good to be true, and the ghosts of your past have finally started to quiet down. Even after tearing his heart in half, do you deserve the right to be in his arms? You want to be selfish, just this once.

"With every part of me. You're all I could ever think about," he admits, his mumble muffled by your hair. "I know it's awful, but even with other girls, you were on my mind. And I want you. That is... if you'll have me."

Your grip on him tightens, and tears continue to stream down your face, though this time they're ones of relief, love, and salvation as you finally let yourself give in to him.

"Tetsu, you'll always have me."


End file.
